The BDSM scene needs re-education

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So, how did you like Fifty shades of Grey? I wasn’t very impressed, but apparently over a hundred millions of – mostly female – persons think differently, and a good part of them was so enthusiast that they wanted to actually try the magic world of BDSM. Signs are everywhere: in the rise of visits to specialized websites, in the sex shops revenue peak, in the influx of newcomers to kinky parties.

As a matter of fact, now that the first wave of readers had enough time to personally experiment what the subculture has to offer, we are also witnessing the first grievances from those who felt very disappointed. The reason is not really the bizarre lack of godlike twenty-seven years old billionaires nor the differences from the solemn scenes of Eyes wide shut, mind you, but the many unexpected oddities lurking in the so-called Scene, which any untrained observer can easily spot.
In a sense there is nothing strange with this: every community has well-established idiosyncrasies that can only be comprehended through the knowledge of their context. In this case however their impact can feel especially rough – especially because those who do know the context tend to ignore some very unpleasant habits.

At the root of them all lies a perfectly understandable psychological trick. Those who discover to nurse an uncommon sexuality face a difficult and unsettling work before they can accept it and feel at ease again with themselves; this is followed by the titanic feat of finding the right partner to realize their fantasies with, not to mention the need to integrate these “weird” tastes in a modicum of social belonging. In other words: even with all of its faults, the “BDSM community” represents such a safe harbor to rest in… that acknowledging its negative sides becomes literally inconceivable.
In so many years of hanging around specialized websites, in example, I had never read an analysis like the one below – which in fact was published in the comments section of an Italian literary blog:

“For several months I frequented a BDSM-oriented forum and I met with kinksters, and what I concluded is […] that compared to foreign scenes Italy is characterized by strong provincialism and dilettantism. This goes for the attires, the tools, the places. Within the Femdom community, in example, you can often find prostitutes acting as Mistresses or women who try to use domination just to make some money and survive. Very few Masters or Mistresses are actually competent with bondage and even less of them own suitable tools […] Real male slaves are sparse; female slaves instead abound everywhere without knowing a thing about BDSM.”

Well said, and perfectly coincident with my own thoughts. I believe it’s not a case if, just like the majority of the most serious enthusiasts I know, I am now limiting my participation in the public Scene to the minimum, fostering my pleasures in private. And being wrong.
Sure, because if nobody bothers to denounce that the king is nude, it will be very difficult that he’ll spontaneously decide to get dressed – but as luck has it, I found somebody who is doing it all for me.

In fact a few days ago I discovered with guilty lateness the blog of Stabbity, a north American lady who very candidly enjoys wrecking absurd conventions and raising interesting discussions. Here are a few of the posts I liked best, which I urge you to check out:


Geek Social Fallacies: Ostracizers Are Evil

I’ll Do Anything You Want

100 Submissive Men For Every Dominant Woman

Clearly there are too many women on Fetlife

Kinky hierarchies?!

Where’s your tiara, princess?

 

If after reading the above you lost all your wish to try bondage and riding crops… don’t! The common theme in every complaint isn’t BDSM in itself, which remains a very enjoyable activity: the problem lies entirely in the superficial attitude of those who think they can earn wonderful pleasures without working for it or getting their hands dirty (and their asses at risk of being kicked).
After all it’s just a matter of bravely act as adults. …Or are you thinking I am being just an angry old man? The space for comments is right below here.

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