Awful sex products: the Liquid lapdance

lap dance

Every salesman worth his salt will tell you that the number one marketing secret is not to offer a great product, but to convince your prospective customers they have a yet-unnoticed but critical need – and you just happen to have whatever is exactly good for them. Quality comes second… or third, after pricing. You just have to take care not to sound too outlandishly preposterous, as that is where most schemes fail. Latest case in point: the Liquid lapdance… thing.

This is the sort of stuff desperate PR people target me with. An “indispensable” product to solve the tragic problem of – and I am quoting verbatim here –  «the pain of lap dances». At first I thought they were referring to some unspoken occupational illness dancers develop due to excessive grinding, but no. This item is for their clients, who last time I checked didn’t look like they were in too much agony.

Liquid lapdance is in fact your basic male underwear – with a latex frontal attachment acting as a sort of condom. You are supposed to squirt some lube into it and wear the stuff on your naughty nights out. Then you get a lap dance, come in your pants like a teenage dork and you go back home swimmingly. In more than one sense, it would seem. According to the official promotional literature, this has four fundamental benefits:

–          Moisturizing your dick and making it more sensitive
–          Allow the room to get comfortably erected
–          Remove the pain from the dance
–          Avoid awkward stains

Er… right. As a matter of fact, I really really hope this didn’t make any sense to you either: the whole scenario is just too wrong in too many ways to be processed. If you are morbidly inclined, however, the official website will give you many more hilarious details about the daily struggles and aspirations of lapdance club patrons. Of course you can buy the briefs there too, in one or three-packs, or… ‘stealth packs’?

Yup. The shrewdness of the marketing geniuses behind Liquid lapdance didn’t stop with designing a ridiculous, embarrassing, expensive ($20 for a single-use piece) and frankly disgusting product. They went the extra mile of inventing a non-telling repackaging for those men whose inexplicable habits could be found out by their spouses. So how do you label a lap dance condom-in-a-packet to make it inconspicuous?
Simple: as an  «European penis bath». According to their ‘female psychologists’, your wife will be charmed when she discovers your «underwear with bath attachment and exfoliating gel». I doubt it could get any more train-wreckish than this.
Oh. No, wait: it actually can. Did I ever tell you about the patent request for a lap dance liner?

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