Don’t buy it! Japan special: a guide to the weirdest Japanese sex toys (Part 1)
After the success gained by the post about the most horrible and baffling sex toys available in the West, it was inevitable to follow with a report from the one country that redefined the very concept of absurd eroticism. Before we start, however, there are a few important premises to keep in mind.
The most obvious yet easy to forget is that Japan is a Far East country. This means its culture is in many ways vastly different from ours, with a different sense of morality and sexuality. What may look unacceptable to a westerner’s perspective is often seen just as a harmless fantasy over there – until it stays a fantasy at least. Also, Japanese frequently live sex in a very complicated way due to a culture which for centuries opposed interpersonal spontaneity, a deep lack of sex education, few personal spaces, a mostly utilitarian conception of relationships, the highest average age in the world and serious difficulties in intergenerational dialogue. In a context like that, the oneiric and masturbatory dimension of sex take on a huge importance, around which a similarly huge industry has grown.
A last note: just as not all westerners enjoy BDSM, not all Japanese use the items below. Actually, I would never have found some of them without Kanojo Toys, an online shop specializing in those very extreme toys which are usually only found in very confidential shops, where entry is forbidden to gaijins.
All clear so far? Then let’s go!
Higozuiki bijin pack – $95
Let’s start with a conoisseurs’ item. This is a traditional dildo made of woven colocasia leaves: back in feudal times women created their own custom ones, as well as the penis rings shown on the left. These toys are left under water for a hour or so to get them stiff and smooth, then you enjoy them taking advantage of the saponins released by the vegetal fibers, whose vasodilating effect heightens pleasure. What? You say that in Toxicology 101 they taught you that saponins are tremendous poisons historically used for hunting, as they cause lethal hemorragies? Spoilsports.
Bokkin – $17
These things were invented by Akira Narita, a comic artist famous for recounting his tragicomic erotic adventures in manga form. One of his hobbies is indeed to build strange devices to entertain his partners with… and the engirthening penis sheath was apparently among the better received ones. Circumferencially-challenged persons can choose between the normal or hyperglanded variant, and should they look too normal for your tastes, you can always go for the…
Chupa Chupa nipple vibrosucker – $50
As a matter of fact pumping is a relatively common sex practice in the rest of the world too, since it actually works: sucking the nipples (and other districts) enhances blood circulation in the part making it more sensitive. However, if you are a psychopathic Japanese to do that you will use an electric blue handpump, and you will insert wiggly microtentacles and a couple of vibrators in the vacuum bells, just to make sure you’ll kill your partner. With laughter, or by hyperstimulation. Or possibly by both.
Boku-chin – $27
Talking about stuff in that color: the boku-chin is a one-size-fits-all bottle cap. And no, no matter what the photo makes it look like, its shape is not of a cute alien monster wearing a Darth Vader-like helmet. I know you are asking yourself what such an item is doing in a list like this, since it is just one of those not-funny-at-all joke items after all… or is it? Well, what you are probably missing is how several specialized websites recommend it as an indispensable training tool for pee play. Come to think of it, choking on it would be so unelegant…
Shakuhachi – $28
Yeech! What awful thoughts! Luckily I have what you need to get the taste off your mouth right here: after all, it is guaranteed to remove every odor even from natto-seasoned dicks. This spray is a delicate mix of cheese, potato, kiwi and natural flavors (I swear I am not joking), designed to make intimate smells and tastes so delicious that oral sex will become unavoidable. Oh well: it sure beats using a Little Tree.
Baby cosplay set – $34
Sensitive souls are suggested to move on to another post until they can, for we are getting closer to the darker side of the Nipponese mind. This is, in example, a handy kit for infantilistic role playing, including baby bottle, dummy, bib, powdered milk, ageplay guide (as the average Japanese is lost without a detailed manual), and… Hey, what’s that stuff? Oh well. Naturally that is a silicone reproduction of a baby’s genitals, what else? The manufacturer assures it is great both when used alone and – ahem – inserted in your partner, to more realistically recreate a splendid experience, A Serbian film-style. Now don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Perfumes for fetishists – $12-28
All right, let’s get back to somewhat less traumatic topics… but don’t take a breath – unless you are committed fetishists, that is. Yup, the country that gave us magnetic levitation trains and Mazinger found another indispensable application for its advanced technology: body parts-scented perfumes. We start with the 10 ml bosom smell spray, and continue through vagina scent (in MILF and teen variants); then there is ‘secretary’s legs’ (and feet), schoolgirl’s toes and Japanese armpit. But why stop at that when there also is somebody who markets ‘fake little girl’s pee’ and ‘ass smell of otoko no ko’, or little boy who could pass for a girl? As a matter of fact, this calls for some more information…
Puni syota otoko no ko – $54
Turns out that a key concept of Japanese eroticism is ambiguity, as in «will she be legal or not?», «male of female?», «will she go for it, or will she react with that Hokuto no Ken move which makes my head deform and explode?» For those who enjoy these questions but not ending up in jail, sex shops sell items like this, theoretically reproducing the sensation of penetrating one of those boys who later end up working as saint seiyas or other yaoi characters. The box also includes a topical manga on DVD and lube. Which I’d replace with vitriol, but you know I am an old, close-minded bigot after all.
Doll-ho Dollfie set – $894
Do you know what a Dollfie is? They are a sort of hyper-deluxe version of a Barbie doll: scarily realistic, with perfect articulation and as expensive as a small house, they can be maniacally customized in every detail – like the length of their eyelashes. Now put yourself in the shoes of your typical Japanese pervert. You see one of these marvelous dolls, specifically designed to evoke an ideal of purity, slightly melancholic romanticism and childlike innocence… so what do you think? That’s obvious: «I must immediately create a kit to replace the Dollfie’s body with a Fleshlight, so I can rape the doll!» A doll which, according to its specs is just 5.5” tall, so it’s gonna be quite tight.
Tsurupeta girl laboratory onahole – $34
If you are now asking yourselves how in the hell these thingumbob Japanese men are so keen to get inside are made like, you can find the answer in the above picture. That’s the longitudinal section of a random model, which in this specific case should match the internal anatomy of a schoolgirl. So this is clearly a matter of somebody being too much of a Cronemberg fan, or these pastimes are really totally unrelated with reality.
Chokouha brick – $34
Hold on a minute. Weren’t Japanese also obsessed with ubermensches, with indestructible samurais, with Mishima-like virility examples? Indeed they are, so for their real men, despising the meaningless feebleness of those dreaming of a loli-girlfriend, the sex toy industry created an ideal item. A stone block as martial on the outside as it is inside – which I suspect isn’t really built out of radioactive uranium for a matter of costs only. The actual material is in fact the usual soft silicone… but believe me when I say that I found much weirder toys than this…
[End of Part 1 – Continues…]