Don’t buy it! 2017 summer special – Part 2

don't buy it

Welcome to the second part of the overview on the most recent horrible sex toys available, with a special focus on those produced in Japan. If you are joining me just now, you can find the first part here and here the archive of the previous editions.

 

footlong stroker

Footlong stroker
$30

The package reads: ‘discreet and fun toy to play at parties with’. Let’s give it the benefit of the doubt for very large values of ‘discreet’, considering it is a fucking colorful plastic hot dog bun longer than 40 centimeters – and where the hot dog is exchanged for a silicone reproduction of a vagina (only on one side: on the other there is obviously an anus). Those who reviewed it, by the way, say that the plastic has an awful smell. Which after all is the least of the problems; the real question is: what sort of parties do this gizmo designers go to?

 

bruce the shark

Bruce the shark
$150

Yet another creation by Bad Dragon, the American company specializing in making dildos inspired by fantasy animals. This time however we are dealing with a free reimagining of the genitals of a shark, who actually has two outer cartilages which kinda look like penises. In case you are wondering: no, they are not used to penetrate female sharks, and they only use one at a time – moreover just to “spread” their sperm in the right place while they hold their partner somewhat still by biting into their side. At least in this aspect this sex toy should be marginally less dangerous than the real thing.

 

jasmine onahole

Jasmine
Price: n/a

There comes a time in every young man’s life when he’d fuck just anything, including one of the countless Japanese masturbators that recreate (generally not very well) every sort of creature and body. This notwithstanding, I must confess that I am really having a hard time picturing someone who, being able to choose, decides to stick their penis not in a small doll… but into her bed.
I guess it’s not by accident that I only found this embarrassing article on its manufacturer’s website: it looks like no sex shop is interested in stocking it, hence the lack of a street price. And maybe it is better this way.

 

mucchiri obasan onahole

Mucchiri oshiri no osojo obasan onahole
$25

So. We were talking about the variety offered by Japanese onaholes. You can really find one for any taste, including the most peculiar ones. Like this one, which theoretically is a scale reproduction of the body of a middle aged woman whose job is cleaning public toilets – a task that I am told they normally perform even while there are patrons using them.
The reason behind such specificity can be traced back to the widespread and widely denied classism of the Rising Sun empire. In fact, local websites often have whole sections of porn videos featuring “undesirables” like homeless, immigrates, low-level workers and taxi drivers, who in certain circles are apparently considered the filthiest of them all. Thinking that this piece of rubber can be useful to prevent true abuses on the “bathroom ladies” makes it oddly dignified somehow.

 

atakai onahole warmer

Atakai USB onahole warmer
$11

Let’s stay on the subject of onaholes for a moment and let’s ask ourselves a basic question: in the colder months, how can you avoid the fridge-effect when penetrating your favorite toy? The legendary Nipponese pragmatism has the answer, in the form of this handy sex toy warmer. It is but a simple resistor, which once inserted into the masturbator brings it to the ideal (according to them) temperature of 42 degrees Celsius.
The best part is of course the USB power cord. A part of me is imagining an office in Tokyo where from each employee’s computer dangles a rapeable thingamajig warming up for the lunch break. Another part is smiling at the absurd thought. And a third one has seen enough to know that, alas, it ain’t that absurd after all.

 

malesation sleeve

Malesation bristly sleeve
$25

I swear that in over thirty years of BDSM practice I have never seen such a thing in real life. Nor, for what it matters, have I ever met anybody who described to me their fantasy where someone wears a spiky sleeve on their cock before getting down and dirty. And yet here it is.

 

dragon muzzle

Dragon muzzle
$130

When they are not busy designing fake shark dicks, the Bad Dragon guys keep to their most natural environment of imaginary creatures. Now I’d like you to ignore for a moment the fact that somewhere dragon muzzles exist meant for Game of Thrones-like blowjobs, and focus on the price instead. If they are selling them at that price I guess that there is a large enough number of customers wishing to pay it, right? OK, and now you know the content of my unusual sexualities researcher’s nightmares.

 

flexiskin dildo

Flex Skin Dual Feel
$67

Of course you know that over in the Colonies, where this… thing was designed, most males are circumcised right after birth and prepuces aren’t an especially common sight. But they are on anatomy books, and in millions of porn videos that are easily accessible to anyone with an Internet connection. So I ask: what reason ever can be for the people who produced this dildo to believe that a non-mutilated penis should look like that? I can sorta picture their business meetings: «Say, dude, do you think this flaccid skin turtleneck is European-looking enough?»
«Well, I ain’t that sure, ya know? Add a bunch of lumps onto that, will ya?»

 

censorizer

Censorizer
Out of stock

Talking about the different ways of conceiving male genitalia in different cultures I couldn’t let this item from Japan and unfortunately now out of stock escape this list. Yes, it is an elastic sock for the penis – but no, it isn’t as simple as it looks. The point is that Japanese laws about pornography is very clear: you can show every sort of depravation… but no genitals, and definitely no pubic hair. This is why the videos you are downloading have that stupid mosaic effect or that intra-legs blurring (and that’s why Japanese porn circumvents this inventing such “creative” variations). Illustrators in particular do everything they can to cover what is to be covered, but they often yield to just painting a black blot on the implicated areas – which becomes essential when your manga are about otoko no ko, or young boys so ephebic that they pass for girls… but for their nether regions.
This item was therefore meant for real life transvestites, so that they could gain the “normal” look as seen as in countless drawings. The censorizer was apparently a hit on exhibitionism and dating websites too.

 

chastity darumari onahole

Chastity darumari Ji onahole
$29

If in the Rising Sun archipelago they are a bit odd, China ain’t that regular either. Let’s take Empress Lü Zhi for example, who a couple of centuries before Christ became a historical figure for her slightly exaggerated grudge against consort Qi, who had put the former’s political role into question. The reaction was to get her arrested, get her head shaved and put her in stocks, after which the Empress got her son poisoned; then she ordered to amputate Qi’s four limbs, cut her tongue away and gouge her eyes off, and finally to send her living in a pig sty, “humorously” declaring her ‘her human swine’. Oh well. The real oddity however happened after all of this, when the ‘dying swine melancholy Chinese torture’ became a recurring image in the erotic tales of the Far East.
So now you can see why someone produced a sex toy looking like carved prosciutto. And if you are now thinking that this was way over any sort of decency… you are not alone. In fact, this object was recalled after a popular campaign that made the manufacturer reconsider their idea of sensuality. Which also means that, incidentally, the last pieces still on sale are now collector items.

 

alpha male underwear

Alpha male underwear
$2 (+$9 shipping)

Do you remember how in the first part of this article I promised I’d show you the saddest playboy ever? Well, here he is: let me introduce you to somebody who can appear actually enthusiastic for a pair of “totally cool” briefs – so cool that shipping costs four times the material they are made of, and that no human female who was shown the above picture managed not to choke herself laughing. Because come on, we all know someone really convinced that such a horror could make their prospective partners fall for them… that’s seriously primal!

 

If you now believe that no “sexy” items can exist as absurd as these you are very wrong, my friends. The appointment is for the third and last part, where we are going to meet an improbable and yet simply divine sex toy.

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