Don’t buy it! Summer mix – A guide to the most terrifying sex toys of this season (Part 1)
It has been a while since I last checked out the world of absurd sex toys. After the Japan Special series and the Western selection from which it all started, it is now time to scour the dirtiest and looniest online stores in search for real gems.
Teddy love – $79.95 (if the crowdfunding campaign works) Let’s start with the newest star of the bunch. Remember the recent news about the successful crowdfunding of a smart sex toy? Well, probably it was noticed also by the inventors of this huge plushie for naughty girls, who quickly improvised a campaign to finance one of the wrongest ideas I’ve ever seen. «It is discreet and blends with your home furnishings» they write – obviously from a parallel reality where bears with silicone tongues are the norm. The gimmick is, of course, that the muzzle and tongue are in fact a vibrator, controlled by… twisting the ears. If you don’t believe me, just watch the video.
Fleshlight Launchpad – $24.95 Another toy launched in the last few days is this practical iPad frame with universal Fleshlight mount. The idea is to use it for two-handed masturbation while you watch porn POV – meaning shot from the point of view of the male partner – videos on the tablet. I guess this is perfect for getting seasick (and for your biceps), but it gets worse: in this commercial you can see another use…
Pukku lips – ??? A while ago this technological marvel was a brief hit among Japanese girls obsessed with duckface selfies. Then the fad subsided, and the manufacturer rushed to recycle the unsold stocks on the sex toys market – hence the blow job enabling lips pump. Slap it on your face, suck your lips out like there is no tomorrow and, along with bruises, you’ll obtain… well, nothing else – as the eloquent video review from this refined Eastern professional shows. I wonder why it is no longer available…
Ballz gag – $46 The world of BDSM has a long tradition of useless objects sold at a premium to clueless wannabe convinced that you just need a bunch of toys to become The Ultimate Master®. Here we are however beyond any semblance of reason. The illustration explains it all, so I’ll just add that I can think of at least five different ways using this toy can land you in the emergency room – or in the morgue. The worst part is learning that the Ballz gag actually won the 2011 AVN award for the best fetish product. I can’t imagine what the others could have been.
Tongue dinger – $19.95 An extremely comfortable vibrator to fit around your tongue, in theory to perform memorable fellatios. If you actually manage to place it somehow, having a 3,000 rpm vibrator in your mouth doesn’t make you throw up and no fillings are dislodged, you will be ready for a unique experience. Like figuring out how to make your partner fit in in the remaining space, possibly without spraining your mandible.
Bikyaku bijiri body beauty legs and butt – $522 Didn’t you really think that a list like this contained no weird Japanese sex toy, did you? The masters of erotic surrealism’s first contribution this time is a chunk of silicone doll, specially conceived for leg fetishists. After all, why wasting precious room at home when you can keep just the parts you like best?
Elypse art dildos – $125/205 These handmade items come from the United States instead, and if you haven’t recognized them you are probably better off skipping this entry. They are in fact accurate reproductions of dog penises, for those zoophiles who can’t be bothered with walkies. The two prices refer to the standard version and the inflatable and ejaculating variant. Seriously.
Fuck my face – €199 I regret to say that the real name of this monstrosity is not ‘shower head’ as many websites reported – a shame, for it was a good joke. Especially if you are a serial killer, I guess. Anyway, please welcome this practical severed head with the eyes of a possessed ventriloquist’s dummy and a huge suction cup in its neck to attach it to a table or a wall. You wouldn’t want it to roll away while you are raping it, would you? That would be really embarrassing…
Pussy snorkel – ? I couldn’t find a price tag for the extra-charming cunnilingus snorkel, which despite the appearances is an actual product. His greatest quality is to be able to offend your girlfriend in so many different ways: when she understands she’s dealing with an idiot, when she realizes that you have no idea of how it should be done, when she reads the package and finds ‘perfect when she doesn’t wash down there’, and lastly when – after a huge effort to forgive you and begging to at least turn off the lights – it turns out that the thing glows in the dark.
Ball sack shaburo masturbator – $55 If you read the previous Don’t buy it! Instalments you are already familiar with Japan’s fascination for onaholes, the local interpretation of the Fleshlight with infinite shapes reaching unthinkable heights of perversion. It looks like the latest innovation in the field is this: a… thing to be penetrated even with your balls. And then? My personal guess is that after being encased like that any movement could be pretty uncomfortable, but who knows?
Ballsmashing hands – ? What is surely terrible is this attachment for the famous Hitachi magic wand: a pair of little rubber hands to massage your testicles with. Unfortunately the Magic wand’s fame is entirely based on its extreme vibrating power, so the effect is a bit like sticking your jewels in a centrifuge. This might be, after all, the reason why I couldn’t find any price for this item.
Plasma sperm – €42 If after suffering the above item you want to check whether you still have some hope to procreate, you can always use this “special sperm microscope”. The speciality consists in the name, because this is in fact the exact same toy microscope you bought for your bookwormish nephew last Christmas. As we will see in the next part, the Japanese naivety for sex really has no bounds…
[Continues in Part 2]