Vital items: the jelqizer


Please consider the above item thoroughly before deciding what it is. A ski wax applicator? A bi-roll to bi-paint walls? Some weird BDSM toy? Well, no: sold for 134 euros only, that thing is a jelqizer , or a tool used to do jelqs – which even I was unaware of until five minutes ago.

Turns out that ‘jelqs’ are penis enlargement exercises coming from a millenary Sudanese tradition with the only fault of being documented only by the dozen of websites selling that sort of stuff. The theory, however, would be to choke your cock and squeeze it out like a toothpaste tube, pushing the blood toward the glans. This would cause internal microlesions which, microscarring in the microtime of a good night’s sleep, in the long run would enlarge your virility. And how it is plainly clear to anyone believing such an idiocy, this requires using those super-crushrollers – probably already sold online in prehistoric Sudan. And there is more.

Jelq tool comparison

The items in this second picture are… «more jelqizers!» I hear you screaming. And you are wrong, because only the one on the left (price: 63 dollars) is used to splat your dick with; In fact, the rightmost one sells for $4.95 and it is a kitchen tool for removing the lids off jam jars.
Believe me when I say I’d really love to meet the guy who saw one at his granny’s and invented the whole ancient exercise scam: isn’t he a genius, in his creepy weird way?